Operation: Annoy Everyone
by CaseyCuervo
Summary: What do you do when you're bored at work and your name is Duo Maxwell? You go around and mess with your friends, that's what.


Gundam Wing: I do not own anything from Gundam Wing AC.

Pairings: REVEALED AT THE END! But really, if you know my lame work then you can pretty much figure it out.

Warnings: language

Operation: Annoy Everyone

He was on a mission. A mission to annoy and piss off his friends for his own entertainment.

Target Número Uno was his blonde friend who was making a B-line for a certain uni-banged man's office. Approaching his victim from the rear, Duo wrapped his right arm around Quatre's shoulder, startling his friend.

"Jesus, Duo! Make some nois-"

"_I feel you, Johanna, I feel you_," The braided menace sang as they walked along in tandem.

Cringing, Quatre muttered, "For Christ's sake."

"_Do they think that walls can hide you? Even now I'm at your window_," Duo continued singing off-key.

Rolling his blue eyes, Quatre snorted. "_I am in the dark beside you_," Duo rubbed his face in the shorter man's blonde locks, "_Buried sweetly in your yellow hair, Johanna_."

Nudging his friend off his shoulder, Quatre clipped, "I'm never watching Sweeney Todd with you ever again." And stomped away.

Mission Complete.

Phase Two, Commence. Subject, short-fused Chinese man. Duo sideways skipped down the hall, around the corner, and down another long hall before the door he sought faced him. Grinning, Duo gripped the doorknob and entered the office without knocking, a known pet peeve to Mr. Chang Wufei. And it worked perfectly. The cold furious glare he received from his friend made his grin larger, almost aching his cheeks. "Wazzup Wu-Bear?" Duo boasted and bounced to stand before Wufei's desk with added gusto and swaggered arm gestures.

"What do you want, Maxwell?" Wufei growled and turned his glare down at his paperwork.

"Nuthin', just came by to talk with my bestest buddy, check up on you and shizz," Duo yammered and started fidgeting with the three picture frames on his desk. Picking them up, he'd look at them briefly, and place them back on the wood surface in the wrong spot. Growling in the back of his throat, Wufei rearranged the photos properly.

"Isn't Yuy your best friend?"

"You're all my best friends Fei-darlin'," the braided man bellowed, placing down the last framed picture. Turning his hands attention to the black stapler, Wufei felt his fuse getting shorter, hands clenched into fists. In a warning tone, the Chinese man hissed, "Maxwell."

Opening the stapler, Duo shoot three metal staples out in Wufei's direction. "MAXWELL!" The Chinese shouted, stood from his desk chair, and slapped the wood surface with his open palms. Tossing the sleek black paper tool down on the desk, it knocked over a cup full of pens and pencils. Wufei's face turned red and Duo walked backwards to the door.

"Hey, you 'member that gundam of yours? Nataku?" Duo jibbed and Wufei growled. "Wasn't its real name like Shenlong, or something? Or Shen-Shlong? Is that Chinese for small dong?"

"Get the fuck out of here before I put my foot up your ass!"

Door open and standing in the threshold, Duo questioned, "Do all Chinese guys have foot fetishes, or is it just you?"

"DUO YOU - "

The braided devil slammed the door shut and briskly walked down the hall, chuckling to himself and grinning like a maniac.

Phase Two, Completed with flying colors.

Now…Barton or Yuy, Yuy or Barton. Heero's getting too good at simply ignoring Duo despite all he does, so the mischievous violet-eyed man decided to save the challenge for last.

Operation Irritate Trowa, now in effect.

At oh-three's office door, Duo peered in through the small window to make sure Quatre was not present. He was in luck. The braided man drummed a rhythm on the door until Trowa hollered, "Come in, Duo."

Entering the office, Trowa didn't look up from his desktop or stop typing. Duo walked around to stand behind his green-eyed friend.

"What are you doing, Duo?" Trowa asked impatiently, fingers still flying over the keyboard.

Running the tips of his fingers through Trowa's auburn hair, Duo stated, "You gots nice hair, Tro."

With his left hand, Trowa smacked away Duo's wandering digits. "Knock it off," Trowa warned.

Sinking his fingers back into that soft hair, the braided man whispered, "Sooo soft."

Groaning in annoyance, Trowa gave up typing.

Messing with his one and only bang, Duo asked, "Can I braid this?" He started separating the brown hair into three strands, and Trowa began to smack his hands away again. "Lemmez braid it! It'll look good, promise!"

"Duo."

"I can do it real fast, then we can be braid buddies."

"Duo."

"We'll be the sexy braided bro's!"

"DUO! Get out!" Trowa stood, his height taller than Duo's, so he towered over him.

"Wait!"

Clutching his source of irritation by both biceps, Trowa summoned a good amount of strength to lift Duo from the ground and carried him by the arms to the door.

"Pretty please! Lemme play with your hair!"

Setting the braided man down, Trowa yanked open the door, pushed him out, and swiftly closed and locked it.

_/Well, that was easy./_ Duo thought to himself and stifled a laugh.

Operation Accomplished. Next up, the most…dangerous…tricky…strenuous…mission anyone could ever embark upon. This is where purposefully annoying someone went from an art form to a fucking science. Mission Impossible, Fuck with Heero Yuy was in the first stage. Since living with Heero over the past three years, the Japanese man had become very resilient from this game, for he'd been the target more than anyone else.

Standing before Heero's door, Duo shook his shoulders, adjusted his Preventer jacket, blew his bangs out of his eyes, and entered without knocking. Heero didn't even bother to look up, there were only two people who barged into his workspace unannounced. His roommate and Commander Une. Closing the door with more force than necessary, it _banged_ shut. Heero kept typing. Picking one of the two vacant chairs that were placed before his friends desk, Duo made himself comfortable, rested and laced his ankles together on Heero's desk, and with the tip of his foot he tapped on the back of Heero's Macintosh desktop computer, shaking the whole screen. Heero was unphased, didn't twitch, didn't bat an eyelash. With his arms folded across his chest, the braided man drummed his fingers and schemed at how to approach this situation.

Heero ceased his typing and shuffled through the papers on his desk. "Where's that paper?" He muttered to himself. To himself. But Duo eye'd the tray of papers on his desk and an idea sparked.

"In the baskizzle," He said.

"What?" Heero finally looked up at his friend with an invisible question mark above his head.

"The papizzle is in the baskizzle."

"Huh?"

"Yo papizzle is in the baskizzle, my nizzle," Duo restated, and hid a smirk behind his hand.

Inhaling a deep breath, and closing his eyes, Heero breathed out and mumbled under his breath, "Dear God." The Japanese man sat still with his eyes closed and pondered what to do. He'd played the game before, and if he gave any hint of irritation things would only escalate. Without a word, he stood and vacated his office. Unfortunately for him, Duo was on a mission and followed him to the break room.

"You hungizzle for some foodizzle?" Duo asked.

Opening the community fridge, the blue-eyed man got an idea of his own. Picking up the carton of chocolate milk that had the name 'DUO' scrawled across it in black sharpie, Heero twisted off the cap and drank some of its contents.

"Fo' shizzle?" Duo deadpanned.

Staring into Duo's violet eyes, the Japanese man lifted his mouth from the opening, parted his lips, and allowed some of the chocolate dairy to fall back into the cardboard carton.

"Seriously!" Duo exclaimed. "You're purposefully adding your nasty backwash to my drink." Heero responded to that by tongue fucking the circular opening. "Awww come on!" Capping the milk carton, the Japanese man placed it back in the refrigerator.

"Enjoy," he snarked.

Now he was pissed off. Chocolate milk was his favorite drink! "Is that how you rim assholes? Cuz I gotta say bro, that's some bad technique." Duo threw at Heero's turned, retreating back.

Spinning on his heel, Heero marched back up to Duo and in an ape-like show of masculinity, stood on the balls of his feet to press his forehead to his braided counterpart. "What did you say?" he ground out between gritted teeth. Duo was taller, but not by much. Foreheads pressed together, glaring directly into each others' eyes, Duo refused to back down from the macho intimidation.

"You're breath smells like ass," Duo hissed.

A mirthless chuckle fell from Heero's mouth. "Well you would know, now wouldn't you? Ass is something you eat frequently."

In their barbaric, animalistic show down, they slowly spun each other around sneering in each other's faces.

"Please, kiss and get it over with," the voice of Wufei jolted them apart. Their Chinese friend held an empty coffee mug, which he'd planned on filling with delicious caffeine. "I'm tired of the who's dick is bigger contest."

Heero made a pft sound, and Duo boasted, hands fisted on his hips and grin intact, "My dick is bigger!"

"Is that so?" Heero questioned, rolling his eyes.

Duo eyed his roommates crotch. "Yeah," he laughed, "I got the bigger one."

"Like fuck if you know!" Heero reprimanded.

The braided man grasped his friends' hand by the wrist and placed it over his groin. "Feel that?" He clutched tighter when Heero tried to pull away. "Hung like a horse, bitch."

Yanking his hand away, rage reaching a boiling point, that same hand curled into a fist and flew into Duo's stomach – his glass jaw, so to say – and knocked him unconscious with a muttered, "Fuck you."

Duo slumped to the floor and Heero ran a hand over his face before admitting, "I didn't mean to do that."

Wufei shrugged and filled his mug with French Roast coffee. "He deserved it," was all he said before leaving the break room, blue mug pressed to his smiling lips.

"Goddamn it, Duo," Heero sighed, peeled the violet-eyed off the floor and hefted him over one shoulder. "Why you godda push my buttons?...Great, his mannerisms are rubbing off on me. Got to, not godda."

Unbeknownst to Heero, his friend was a very highly talented actor. Snapping his eyes open the second his stomach was mooshed against Heero's shoulder, Duo raised both hands smacked vigorously at the Japanese mans ass.

"Ack!" Heero shouted and dropped the extra weight from his body.

Duo laughed as he fell to the ground. "You're loosing your edge, Yuy. That punch was nothing like the first one."

"Fuck you, Duo! I thought I hurt you!"

"For shizzle? Dizzle nizzle, my kizzle," Duo teased.

"I really want to kick you right now," Heero threatened.

"Naww," Duo intoned. "You wouldnizzle kickizzle your friendizzle."

"I'm going to murder you."

"Oh come now, home slice. Have a sense of humor."

"You're not funny."

"Am too!"

"Are not."

"Am too!"

"Are not."

"Arg not!"

"Am too! …Wait! No! You are not!"

Pointing a finger at his roommate, Duo boasted, "HA HA! I got chew!"

"FUCK OFF! YOU ARROGANT BASTARD!" Heero yelled down at his friend on the ground and stomped away.

Mission Impossible…Successful! Accomplished! Spectacular! With minor bruising…Though he had more pissed off the Japanese man than annoyed him, but that's how it usually went with Heero.

After that, Duo kept himself in his office, playing solitaire on his desktop. His friends didn't know he could fly through paper work like a well-oiled machine, twas why he had so much free time to mess with them. When the end of the workday came around, Duo and his four comrades rode the elevator together. Duo chatted inanely, and no one answered him.

When the silver doors parted, Quatre shouted, "NOW!"

The braided man found each one of his limbs grasped upon and he was lifted out of the mechanism. He screamed and thrashed about, but he was fighting feebly against four strong forces. Quatre and Wufei held and arm, and Heero and Trowa had him by the legs. Other Agents laughed as the walked by and didn't answer Duo's pleads for help. They carried him to the parking garage and to his car. Fisting his hand into the braided man's breast pocket, Quatre extracted the car keys. The blond man unlocked the car, and he and his three conspirators chucked Duo into the trunk. Wufei slammed the lid closed.

He kicked at his confinement, and yelled, "Come on you guys! Let me out!"

Knocking on the exterior, Heero replied, "See you at home, _bro_."

"Bye Duo," Trowa added.

"He can get out of that, right?" Quatre asked as they walked away.

"If he can't then he should have never been a gundam pilot," Wufei chuckled.

They said their good nights to each other, smiling widely and went their separate ways. Three hours later, Heero sat Indian style on his couch in his red sweatpants, flipping through news stations when Duo finally walked in.

"Welcome home. I'm surprised it took you so damn long."

Tossing his jacket on a coat rack Duo replied, "Oh please. I was out in ten minutes tops. I just drove around to give you some time to cool down…Are you still mad?"

"What do you think?" Heero deadpanned and stared blankly at the man twisting his braid around his fist.

"I'm sorry," Duo groaned. Heero crossed his arms over his bare chest and said nothing. "I didn't mean what I said about your technique. Rimming's pretty straight forward, can't really mess it up." Heero cocked an eyebrow. "I thought you were gonna kiss me in the break room during that little tussling thing we had goin' on." The Japanese man cracked his neck. "Can you imagine what Fei would have done if he saw us kiss?"

"I'm pretty sure he knows," Heero confided.

"Really? How so?"

"He's not blind…or too involved in his own relationship, and we aren't exactly subtle at the best of times."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Are you still mad?"

"Are you going to keep trying to get a rise out of me?"

Waving his arms through the air, Duo defended, "It's just for shits and giggles! No harm, no fowl."

"Yeah well, your 'shits and giggles' are making me want to push your head through a brick wall."

Collapsing on the couch beside his shirtless boyfriend, Duo kissed his naked shoulder. "I'll stop being an annoying prick…to you at least."

A reluctant smirk tugged at his lips. "You're not getting any tonight," Heero declared.

"Oh come on! You threw me in the trunk of my car and left me there!"

"Don't even argue."

"At least tell me you're not going to sleep in the spare bedroom!"

Heero sighed, "I was going to, but I guess I won't."

Duo rested his head on Heero's and in a sing-song voice he said, "Love you."

"Yeah, yeah, love you too fuck-face."

A minute of silence passed before Duo whispered, "My dick is bigger." Heero pushed him off the couch.


End file.
